And now we are 32

2011-09-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

So here it is. The first day of being a 32 year old has finally arrived, although for some strange reason I have been thinking of myself as 32 for at least the past 6 months. Do I feel any wiser than I did 10 years ago or just older? Am I any happier? That’s the big question.

It’s been a funny run up to 32. The past year has been no less than tumultuous. Moments of joy and moments of complete and utter anguish all mixed in with the daily humdrum of life. This past week has been no exception either. One day loving life and feeling like finally the tide might just be turning in the right direction for me. The next facing the reality again that I’m not wanted – or not wanted enough for someone to make me a part of their life for more than a short time.

It’s a hard life picking yourself up time and time again from the pit of rejection, trying to make yourself believe that there isn’t something wrong with you that is causing this – that it’s just a matter of a bad fit. I live in hope, but it’s slowly being ebbed away by the actions of others and my own pessimistic approach.

I’m determined that over the course of the next year my outlook is going to change. My focus is going to shift from the negative dealings of the past and potential pain of the future to all the good and glorious potential there is left for myself and others to fulfil in my life. Opportunities abound and I just need to take the bad with the good. I need to have courage and a whole lot more self belief. Because if I don’t believe in myself – who else is going to? I can’t go through the rest of my life feeling like a fraud.

There’s a thought that’s been ambling around my head for the past few days. Triggered by the events of Sunday night. That thought is this – No-one ever regretted breaking up with me. It’s true and it’s something that I wished I had said to X on Sunday night, because for some reason I felt like it needs to be said and maybe it would have made him feel better about doing it.

But I want this to change. I want myself to grow into a person that I can wholly believe in and think of without hesitation as a person I’d want to be friends with. That I am a person that people want in their lives and feel my absence when I am not. I should be the one people feel regret about. Not the other way around.

So here’s to the future. May the year of self nurturing and positivity begin!

Will life make sense at 32?

And now we are 32